Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths