2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?