Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Blew out my flip flop…

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

(Electricians.)

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes