Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.