Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

Good for him.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

That’s enough internet for the day

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*