2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
the simulation is moving too fast
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]