Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Watermelon Boss!

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.