2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.