Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Have kids, they said

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.