2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive![]()
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Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
technically true but not a great slogan
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Why I divorced her.
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot