Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

somewhere, in an alternate universe