Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Glasses

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

pizza

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Sniffing the broccoli

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁