2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.