Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

more water

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there