Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Who.
Did.
This?

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***