2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
i hate you platonically
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.