Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?

3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!

and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.