2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.