Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
4. People you don’t like
1. The bodies
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.