Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

ibopfufen

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Make me look younger

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream