Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

First I was a pebble..

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan