Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes