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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Spell check is for lasers.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance