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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
me when i smell free food in the break room
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.