Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?

– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not