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Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.