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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
get you a girl who
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
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