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[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
This line from Airplane.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I saw nothing
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.