Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

How all things should be taught/explained.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.