Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.