@ThatMummyLife

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

@ThRealBallsDeep

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@callingCQ

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@astutenewf

Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don’t like being that guy holding two purses.

@House_Feminist

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

@frigginfrench

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

@ScorpionDong

Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin

@superdadatron

I’m testing my theory that I can get away with putting a 0 or N/A in a work report that requires answers when I don’t know the answers.

@AllanForsyth

I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it.