Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall