Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical