[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
our love story in four pictures
the clam before the storm
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.