Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

🖤✌🏽

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.