[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
True statement👍😏😁
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook