Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.