Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide