[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me if I was a dog
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Favourite diary entry ever
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE