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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
#NoRestForTheWicked
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
😂💯
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.