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You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
No regrets in 2018
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that