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Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.