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Unmatched
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Choose your fighter
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.