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“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Seems legit.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine