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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.