Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes