$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
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nyc:
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
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A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!