$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I really had high hopes for this year though
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster