20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens