20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
The devil.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?