Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old