20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊