Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I’m not wrong