20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Investing in beetcoin
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
subtitles are so good nowadays
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*