20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.