20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
spicy snake
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!