Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

I used the label maker

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs