Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I love twitter
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.