Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology