Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.