20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
You Might Also Like
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Mmmm canned fish.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts