Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

in 3 months

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

This is me 🤣🤣

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone