20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
can you read it!!??
maan!
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep