20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
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Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
why am I working on Labor Day
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them