20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
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*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?