Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Raisins are grape jerky.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.