Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

the best thing i’ve ever made

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again