20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
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Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.