Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down