Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day